It's Just a Phase

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I'm currently reading The Wall Between Women: The Conflict Between Stay-at-Home and Employed Mothers by Beth Brykman. Having experience on both sides of The Wall, I find myself relating to quite a few of the women featured in the book. I'm comforted to know that one of the main issues I'm struggling with after the Big Opt Out is an issue common to Opter-Outters, as this passage from The Wall relates:

"About one month after stopping my occupation, I spent the whole day cleaning and straightening up the house. when my husband arrived home, I asked him 'Did you notice what I did today?' I had to justify my existence. He had always understood my conversations regarding major presentations at the office, but when I tried to explain this cleaning the house thing, why it was so important, it seemed almost pitiful to me. This was now my job. The more I tried to explain it to him, the more embarrassed I got."

*Author's Note: I don't' mean to suggest that I related to this passage because my husband doesn't notice stuff. He does. He's awesome at noticing and praising little things and for that reason, among a million others, he's earned The Most Enlightened Husband award.* But I completely relate to the woman's feeling of needing to justify her At Home Existence. Needing to prove that she does something worthwhile. In a post-feminist world, it's sometimes hard to argue that housewifery is an altogether worthwhile pursuit without issuing some sort of justification for it.

I'm feeling that need to justify my existence now more than ever, to my husband, to my kids, and to myself. Just this morning, for instance while waking the Wee One up leisurely with silly songs and tickles, I actually said out loud, as much to myself as to him: "This moment made possible by a Stay-at-Home Mom. If Mommy were busy getting dressed for work right now, we'd be totally stressed out instead of enjoying this moment. Right?! Right?! You like Mommy being home in the mornings, right? It's important to you, right?! You'll thank me for this someday, right?!?!" He looked at me like I was a silly little thing desperate for validation. Which is, in fact, exactly how I felt (but YOU love me anyway, right?? Right?!)

But interestingly enough, I'm just as worried about justifying myself to other women. In her book Brykman interviews women from both the Stay-at-Home and Employed sides of The Wall. A perception shared by women on BOTH sides of the wall is the one that Stay-at-Home women are less interesting, have less substance to them than working women. Stay-at-Home women admitted to being often embarrassed by the label, and Working Women admitted to finding Stay-at-Home women unfit for intellectual camaraderie.

Now I realize that this feeling of needing to justify myself is a phase, a natural reaction to relinquishing my Real Job Title and thereby a piece of my identity. Before, when asked "What have you been doing lately?" by a besuited friend at a post-work Happy Hour, I had an interesting answer that involved power lunches, PhD programs and Portugal. But now What I Do, while far more important, is construed by many as far less interesting.

Now this might be the "silly little thing desperate for validation" in me talking, but I don't want to be construed as LESS anything, especially less INTERESTING now that I spend a large portion of my day folding laundry. Well, go ahead and consider me less paid because that's too true, but aside from this whole Identity Crisis thing going on, my brain works just as well as before, thank you very much! I'm still interesting! If you don't' want to talk about my husband and my kids, we can talk about something else, really! I read WAY more books than I had time to when I was "working." Hell, never mind the family, lets talk about books! And I write more now too! Let's talk about what I'm writing, shall we? And now I have time to listen to music! Let's talk about the new Vampire Weekend album, cuz I'm loving it. Or how about the upcoming elections, I've got lots to say about THAT. See. I'm just as interesting as before. I just don't wear suits as often. And I don't have a business card anymore. Or, oh yeah, a paycheck either. But you still love me right?????