Why the Opt Out?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I've traded The Desk for The Nest. I'm back home again. What now?

When The Kiddo's were babies, my job as Momma was clearly defined and clearly demanding. Nurse them, bathe them, dress them, socialize them, teach them to read and beg them to not bite their playmates. Sleep for a few hours and then repeat. Finally the day arrived when I could send them off to school and get myself back to "real work."

Problem is, "Real Work" didn't feel nearly as fulfilling as I though it would, and my heart and head were never really at The Desk. It's a familiar conundrum for post-modern mothers. While we recognize the importance of face time with our children, women of my generation bear the standard of a million bras burned to pave our way to "The Top." Now it feels almost as if a PhD. and a corner office are required of any Complete Woman. Domesticity feels like an antiquated notion that has been steam-rolled by a marching mob of Rosie the Riveters chanting "Because we CAN do it all, we MUST." For some women, pursuing a career is less a matter of Feminist Ambition than a matter of necessity; some mothers would much rather be at home, but simply must work to pay the bills and buy the bread. A few lucky Momma's have careers fueled neither by ambition or necessity, but by the sheer love of her work.

But the fact of the matter is , whatever her motivation, pursuing a career means a Momma must relinquish, on average, 40 hours per week of precious face time with her kids. I did it for several years. When the kids were toddlers, I started my own Pet Sitting business and worked mostly from home. But the little business got bigger and soon I found myself working nights and weekends and holidays and missing all the good stuff that goes on at home during nights and weekends and holidays. When I missed my second consecutive Christmas Morning, I resolved to find a traditional 9 to 5 gig that would, oddly enough, give me more time with my family. So I sold the business, got a desk job and stayed for several years. The pay was not great, but I liked my work and I adored my boss and coworkers. The culture promoted work-life balance and allowed me to do a decent job of juggling kids and career. It was this combination of great people and supportive culture that made it a tough decision for me to take a new job in a different department. All signs pointed to this new job being a great opportunity for career advancement and the pay hike was considerable. And so, with mixed feelings, I took the new job. And hated it.

While the pay itself was delicious, the job, the people, the atmosphere were such that every day I sat at my desk and wondered "Why in the world do I do this to myself?" I was walking out the door in the morning miserable at the prospect of another day, and bringing even more miserable back home with me in the evening. I was living proof that Biggie was right: "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." My work stress was boiling over into the rest of my life and neither I or my family was very happy. So after some consideration, my husband and I decided to go out on a very precarious financial limb and I Opted Out. I quit my job and oh it felt good.

Being a Stay at Home mom again was not my initial intention. After all, The Kiddo's are in school all day. They don't need me like they used to. I had aspirations of getting the Pet Sitting business going again, bigger and better this time. And I still might do it someday. But I took some "time off" to relax and just be Momma. Much to my surprise, when I had the time to slow down and really look at them, I barely recognized these fascinating creatures who are half ME and so uniquely themselves.

They're not my babies anymore, that's for sure: The Eldest, who is currently about to graduate from elementary school, is in an awkward, lanky limbo between Boy and Young Man. He's a mere 4 inches shorter than I am, and he's got moderate acne, radical opinions and the paltry beginnings of a mustache.

The Wee One is not wee in the slightest anymore. He's turning 10! My youngest offspring is rapidly approaching the decade mark! Though he's still got slight traces of baby in him, he's declared that he's "big now" because he's officially in love and he knows about politics (he has, in fact, broached the subjects of sex and Socialism in the same day.)

How did this happen? Where did my babies go? And who ARE these young men who call me Momma? So as not to miss another moment or milestone, I've opted out of the work world and back in to full time mommy-hood. I'm gonna parent these kids like its my job! It's true that they don't need me like they used to. But they still need me. For a precious few more years, they still need me.

The next decade's gonna be interesting.